oops!

so it's been quite a while since i last posted, and for that, i am sorry. i guess after i last posted was when i really started to lose it with being home all the time. i was going really stir crazy and made a decision that i am now very happy with. i returned to work!

it was all just becoming too much for me to be home everyday. especially on the days when i felt great, which other than the immediate days surrounding treatments, was more often than not. i think it was important for me to take the time off at the beginning of treatment, and even for a month or two after, just to deal with this all, to take it all in and figure out how my life was going to adjust to this unexpected turn. and once i did that, and got used to the routine of every other week feeling crappy for a few days, i needed out!!

i noticed myself getting a little more testier (than usual) with people, and just getting annoyed. and also i felt myself getting dumb. this could be due to the 18 hours of tv a day i was watching. i lost my attention span, i couldnt concentrate on a book for more than a chapter or two, and even magazines were becoming a chore to go through. so after talking with my doctors, and thinking about it alot, i decided it was time to get back to reality.

i started out slow, only coming in for a few hours every few days, just getting caught up on stuff like emails and whats been going on in the four months (!!!!) that i had been gone. this also allowed people to get used to seeing me again. i think when you dont see someone for a while and you hear they are going through something like this you can only assume when you see them again they will be sickly, pale, and skinny. well, for me only one of those attributes is true, and that's the pale part, oh and i guess the sickly part. people are always shocked when they see me "you look great!" well, i feel great! if you are seeing me, that means i feel great, if i dont feel great, i'm on the couch with real housewives on the tv. and as for the skinniness, i must say i am a medical marvel and have managed to GAIN weight during treatment. not alot, but enough that i think it will be a shock to my system when i dont allow myself to 'eat whatever i want, whenever i want' as my doctor instructed.

i knew it would take a few weeks of catching up with people, letting them know i was easing myself back in, that i am still doing ok even during treatment, i was ready for that adjustment. so then after the completion of cycle 5a i was back at it at cramer. working full days, other than my treatment days (every other thursday) and the friday and monday following. and i'm loving it. you dont realize how much you need the social aspect of work in your life. you need to be around people, you need to hear what is going on in other people's lives, projects at work, to know there is a life outside of your own. i was allowing myself to get too involved with my illness, and that wasnt good for anyone. including my darling fiance chris who had to put up with me being my not so pleasant self (love you chris!)

so again i am grateful to not only work for a company that kind of just let me decide when i was ready to come back, but to work with the people that have made it so easy to come back!

it's already august!

so i dont really have a good excuse as to why i havent written in almost a month. i guess my treatment is getting so routine that i didnt really want to bore everyone with the same old same old. yesterday marked the end of cycle four, which means two more cycles and then i'm donzo! four more visits to dana farber for treatment, the end is really in sight now. before the last treatment i complained of some breathing troubles which is a common side effect of one of the chemo drugs i am on, Bleo, so i went through a series of lung tests and my doctor decided to drop the Bleo from my treatment schedule completely. this is a common practice during treatment and they are currently conducting studies on whether or not to drop the Bleo from the chemo series completely from the start but there isnt enough evidence yet to support it. so i should expect the heaviness i've been experiencing in my chest to subside over the next few weeks.

plus over the past few weeks i have been dealing on more of an emotional level with my disease, finding coping mechanisms to deal with not only getting through this, but to learn how to move on once this is over. i was reading a fellow cancer survivor's blog and she said something very interesting, that really hit home. she is about 3 months out of treatment and she said how bizarre it is to now be able to plan her life in more than two week intervals. that's really what i'm doing right now and it's frustrating. it's annoying to have one good weekend and one bad weekend, it's annoying to have to schedule your life like that.

but then yesterday chris and i had the opportunity to sit next to a husband and wife that we ended up striking up a conversation with. he has been dealing with a brain tumor for more than two years, he has had surgeries and they have tried multiple types of chemotherapy and nothing has worked. he is 38 years old with three kids. talking to him really made me feel two things, one kind of bad that i was so happy to be there yesterday talking to the nurses and telling them that this was the end of cycle four and i will be done in october. this guy has no idea when he's going to be done, or if ever, i cant imagine that frustration. but it also made me feel grateful, i'm happy i had the opportunity to sit next to him and hear his story, i know now after all i have been through not to take one day for granted, but he made it seem more real one such a different level.

cycle three...complete!

so thursday marked the end of cycle three and also the halfway point of my treatment! yaaaaay!

although it is frustrating to know i still have another three cycles, which means six more visits to dana farber i am trying to look at from a glass-half-full perspective. chris and i have created a countdown calendar (82 days), and we've decided to start planning for things past october.

this past thursday i met my new doctor on her fellowship, dr. sarah. (she prefers to be called that as most people just butcher her last name) when i met with her she asked me about myself, asked about chris, and our wedding plans as my previous fellow, dr bhatt had told her about us. i had a little bit of a breakdown telling her about chris, our wedding, and the frustration of not knowing what the future holds and being scared to plan anything. she sat back and said something that really meant alot 'at some point you're going to have to start planning' and she's right, if i dont start looking forward to things, and thinking about our wedding, this stage in my life will never end, i will always be waiting for that other shoe to drop, waiting for this to come back and throw a wrench in all my plans again. and i have to keep the mind set that this is not coming back, i'm going to finish treatment on october 7th, and bid adieu to cancer. and chris and i are going to get married, we will have a house, we will get a puppy, we will go on trips and someday have babies.

i have discovered it is way too easy to wallow in the misery of all of this, to let this thing beat you down, to let the boredom get to you. i have to make a conscious effort to stay positive and to keep moving forward and that's what i'm doing, i dont see another option. well i do, but depressed and sad isnt a good look on anyone, especially me.

there is an end in sight

so i know my loyal followers must be on pins and needles waiting for the results of my pet scan from thursday. well let me put all your fears to rest...the pet scan looked great. it showed improvement and shrinking of all the cancer that was there before. after reviewing the scan my oncologist informed me that she recomends going for the full six cycles of chemo and then do another pet scan a month after that is completed. so right now my last round of chemo will be october 7th.

now i am trying my best to be positive here and think, this is a good thing, the cancer is going away, blah blah blah. but it's just really frustrating to know i have to go back and do this 7 more times (each cycle is two visits so i will need a total of 12, and i have completed 5) and feel like this for another 3 months. it is good we have an end in sight, i think i gave myself a false sense of hope by thinking maybe i could do 4 cycles and radiation. although i know radiation can cause more complications later on, it's a quicker fix. but as everyone keeps telling me, it's better to be safe than sorry.

i'm just REALLY over this whole cancer thing.

chemo round 2...complete!

so last week marked the end of round two!

this time around was better than last time, the doctor gave me a new anti nausea drug that actually i got through my IV before the treatment started, which meant i didnt have to track a bunch of pills all weekend. i think this actually worked great, i had a good weekend, i had more energy than usual, i still had low energy and slight nausea, but all in all it was a better weekend, so thats a good thing. i think i kind of paid for it though on monday, i felt really sick all day and had to revert back to taking some of the pills again. i think the new med just wore off and my body was like in shock about it.

so next week, july 1st marks the beginning of round 3, it's going to be a really long day but hopefully it will be worth it. i go for my PET scan in the morning (warning: i will be radioactive) but since i am having the test done right at dana farber, they will be able to read the results in real time, so i have an appointment with my oncologist, dr. lacassce at noon to review the results and discuss the next steps. hopefully i will have a more firm grasp on when this will all be over after next week. i asked dr. bhatt what they hope to see in the scan, and she said it will show one of three things, either the cancer has, improved, remained stable, or gotten worse. the chances that it has gotten worse are rare, and all signs point to it has gotten better. (i havent have anymore signs of lumps, etc) so once we know the results we will discuss the options. whether to continue with chemo, start radiation, a combination or what.

either way i am scheduled to complete round 3, and since i am taking everything one day at a time, that's all i know right now!

stupid side effects volume 1

so i have decided to start a new feature on the 'so this is what it's like' blog called "stupid side effects". this will be dedicated to all these ridiculous side effects as a result of chemotherapy that i keep experiencing and some of them are just too good not to share.

so what to begin with? i actually started writing these all down the other night and i already have like 12. but today i will start with one that is bothering me right at the moment.

a constant gross taste in my mouth.

really? the nausea isnt bad enough? i now have to deal with a gross stale taste in my mouth at all times? just lovely. so as if finding foods to eat and enjoy wasnt hard enough, i am now competing with this.

thankfully this is a temporary side effect and should go away in a few days, but while it's here, look out people.

well, it happened

so i know i have disappointed my fans by not writing in a little while, and first, let me apologize. i guess the truth of the matter is this last round was not the best and i really didnt want to depress everyone with my feelings. but then my friend grete said 'give the people what they want, they dont need a postive attitude all the time' and she's right. i started writing this blog to inform family and friends what i was going through, and it might not always be sunshine and rainbows.

so this past round of chemo just started off bad, i started the day out with a fever, and just not feeling good. my fever ended up going down by the time the infusions started, but i just in general wasnt feeling 100% and i think that really effected this whole round. it was a long day, we got there at 10am and didnt leave until almost 4. a long day of sitting and feeling like crap and not being at your home base is enough to make anyone cranky. there was a positive outcome to this round though, my doctor informed me that they would be doing a pet scan before the next cycle, which will be july 1st. so that is one round earlier than initially thought. i doubt it has anything to do with how things are going, because the scan will be the only indicator of that, but having the scan done and the results earlier is great, so we have a better idea of how much longer i have to go through this for.

so the first cycle my schedule would go as follows: go in for treatment on thursday, feel crappy thursday night through monday, not feel super great on monday and tuesday, but at least wouldnt need anti-nausea meds, just felt sleepy and lacked energy. this round i felt like crap from the thursday i went in for treatment until the following saturday. this did not put me in a good place. i had moments of feeling okay, but i think alot of it was me forcing myself to try and feel better, to try and trick my head to say oh no, this is day i'm supposed to be feeling good, so i will feel good. the power of positive thinking, i was hoping, which worked for a few days.

i think emotionally i did not do well this round at all. i went to visit my work to see some friends and talk to them about the fact that i dont think i can return to work just yet because of the uncertainty of my treatment right now. this visit was good and bad. it was good because it was fun to see people, and everyone was so supportive and all that, but it also depressed me because it was like i was getting a glimpse of my 'normal life' where i worked all day, talked to lots of people, went from meeting to meeting, answered questions and felt like a contributing member of society. but the reality is right now, i sit at home, and for half the time really just feel like crap and sit and watch tv. i know for most this would be a dream come true to get a break like this, which it is nice, and it's a bigger bonus that it's summer and not winter, but for me it's hard. it's hard when chris comes home and where we used to sit and talk about our days over dinner, all i have to say is "i really hate when regis is on vacation and kelly has to fake it with a guest host"

it doesnt help that i have always been a person that can escape into tv land when i'm feeling down, it's always been a friend to me. but this round i kind got sick of it, i got sick of reading, i just got sick of it all. and then it happened. it all hit me. this whole situation hit me like a bus going 80. so many people have said to me, you're being so positive, that's great, keep that up, even my oncologist who deals with breaking the news of people having cancer everyday said 'you're being really calm right now, are you okay?" and just this weekend i allowed myself not to be ok. this situation sucks. this isnt some glorified summer vacation. i have cancer and i am going through chemotherapy. i feel sick alot of the time. i cant even walk down the street without getting winded some days. i was supposed to be getting married in a few months, i should be shopping for bridal shower dresses and outfits for my honeymoon. we dont even know when we are going to be able to get married and it sucks, everything was going so perfectly in our lives and this had to happen and i just dont get it, it's not fair.

but thats what i have to allow myself, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, i have to allow myself these moments of 'this sucks' because otherwise i cant balance it with the positivity of taking this all one day at a time, and knowing that i will someday look back on this and it will seem like a small blip on the radar. i was having a hard time accepting that i would one day be a cancer survivor because that means at one point i had to be a victim. i dont in general like to 'play the victim' but i think part of this illness is accepting what is going on, not just try and ignore it and hope it goes away. i think it's part of surviving it.