i just saw this on my friend's blog and found it so amazingly true that i wanted to share it will all of my friends. everyone spends alot of time thinking and talking about what cancer does to you, but not a lot of time talking about what it doesn't have to do to you. as i enter my last week of treatment i know how important it is to recognize these things.
Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit
thanks kristyn!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
oops!
so it's been quite a while since i last posted, and for that, i am sorry. i guess after i last posted was when i really started to lose it with being home all the time. i was going really stir crazy and made a decision that i am now very happy with. i returned to work!
it was all just becoming too much for me to be home everyday. especially on the days when i felt great, which other than the immediate days surrounding treatments, was more often than not. i think it was important for me to take the time off at the beginning of treatment, and even for a month or two after, just to deal with this all, to take it all in and figure out how my life was going to adjust to this unexpected turn. and once i did that, and got used to the routine of every other week feeling crappy for a few days, i needed out!!
i noticed myself getting a little more testier (than usual) with people, and just getting annoyed. and also i felt myself getting dumb. this could be due to the 18 hours of tv a day i was watching. i lost my attention span, i couldnt concentrate on a book for more than a chapter or two, and even magazines were becoming a chore to go through. so after talking with my doctors, and thinking about it alot, i decided it was time to get back to reality.
i started out slow, only coming in for a few hours every few days, just getting caught up on stuff like emails and whats been going on in the four months (!!!!) that i had been gone. this also allowed people to get used to seeing me again. i think when you dont see someone for a while and you hear they are going through something like this you can only assume when you see them again they will be sickly, pale, and skinny. well, for me only one of those attributes is true, and that's the pale part, oh and i guess the sickly part. people are always shocked when they see me "you look great!" well, i feel great! if you are seeing me, that means i feel great, if i dont feel great, i'm on the couch with real housewives on the tv. and as for the skinniness, i must say i am a medical marvel and have managed to GAIN weight during treatment. not alot, but enough that i think it will be a shock to my system when i dont allow myself to 'eat whatever i want, whenever i want' as my doctor instructed.
i knew it would take a few weeks of catching up with people, letting them know i was easing myself back in, that i am still doing ok even during treatment, i was ready for that adjustment. so then after the completion of cycle 5a i was back at it at cramer. working full days, other than my treatment days (every other thursday) and the friday and monday following. and i'm loving it. you dont realize how much you need the social aspect of work in your life. you need to be around people, you need to hear what is going on in other people's lives, projects at work, to know there is a life outside of your own. i was allowing myself to get too involved with my illness, and that wasnt good for anyone. including my darling fiance chris who had to put up with me being my not so pleasant self (love you chris!)
so again i am grateful to not only work for a company that kind of just let me decide when i was ready to come back, but to work with the people that have made it so easy to come back!
it was all just becoming too much for me to be home everyday. especially on the days when i felt great, which other than the immediate days surrounding treatments, was more often than not. i think it was important for me to take the time off at the beginning of treatment, and even for a month or two after, just to deal with this all, to take it all in and figure out how my life was going to adjust to this unexpected turn. and once i did that, and got used to the routine of every other week feeling crappy for a few days, i needed out!!
i noticed myself getting a little more testier (than usual) with people, and just getting annoyed. and also i felt myself getting dumb. this could be due to the 18 hours of tv a day i was watching. i lost my attention span, i couldnt concentrate on a book for more than a chapter or two, and even magazines were becoming a chore to go through. so after talking with my doctors, and thinking about it alot, i decided it was time to get back to reality.
i started out slow, only coming in for a few hours every few days, just getting caught up on stuff like emails and whats been going on in the four months (!!!!) that i had been gone. this also allowed people to get used to seeing me again. i think when you dont see someone for a while and you hear they are going through something like this you can only assume when you see them again they will be sickly, pale, and skinny. well, for me only one of those attributes is true, and that's the pale part, oh and i guess the sickly part. people are always shocked when they see me "you look great!" well, i feel great! if you are seeing me, that means i feel great, if i dont feel great, i'm on the couch with real housewives on the tv. and as for the skinniness, i must say i am a medical marvel and have managed to GAIN weight during treatment. not alot, but enough that i think it will be a shock to my system when i dont allow myself to 'eat whatever i want, whenever i want' as my doctor instructed.
i knew it would take a few weeks of catching up with people, letting them know i was easing myself back in, that i am still doing ok even during treatment, i was ready for that adjustment. so then after the completion of cycle 5a i was back at it at cramer. working full days, other than my treatment days (every other thursday) and the friday and monday following. and i'm loving it. you dont realize how much you need the social aspect of work in your life. you need to be around people, you need to hear what is going on in other people's lives, projects at work, to know there is a life outside of your own. i was allowing myself to get too involved with my illness, and that wasnt good for anyone. including my darling fiance chris who had to put up with me being my not so pleasant self (love you chris!)
so again i am grateful to not only work for a company that kind of just let me decide when i was ready to come back, but to work with the people that have made it so easy to come back!
Friday, August 13, 2010
it's already august!
so i dont really have a good excuse as to why i havent written in almost a month. i guess my treatment is getting so routine that i didnt really want to bore everyone with the same old same old. yesterday marked the end of cycle four, which means two more cycles and then i'm donzo! four more visits to dana farber for treatment, the end is really in sight now. before the last treatment i complained of some breathing troubles which is a common side effect of one of the chemo drugs i am on, Bleo, so i went through a series of lung tests and my doctor decided to drop the Bleo from my treatment schedule completely. this is a common practice during treatment and they are currently conducting studies on whether or not to drop the Bleo from the chemo series completely from the start but there isnt enough evidence yet to support it. so i should expect the heaviness i've been experiencing in my chest to subside over the next few weeks.
plus over the past few weeks i have been dealing on more of an emotional level with my disease, finding coping mechanisms to deal with not only getting through this, but to learn how to move on once this is over. i was reading a fellow cancer survivor's blog and she said something very interesting, that really hit home. she is about 3 months out of treatment and she said how bizarre it is to now be able to plan her life in more than two week intervals. that's really what i'm doing right now and it's frustrating. it's annoying to have one good weekend and one bad weekend, it's annoying to have to schedule your life like that.
but then yesterday chris and i had the opportunity to sit next to a husband and wife that we ended up striking up a conversation with. he has been dealing with a brain tumor for more than two years, he has had surgeries and they have tried multiple types of chemotherapy and nothing has worked. he is 38 years old with three kids. talking to him really made me feel two things, one kind of bad that i was so happy to be there yesterday talking to the nurses and telling them that this was the end of cycle four and i will be done in october. this guy has no idea when he's going to be done, or if ever, i cant imagine that frustration. but it also made me feel grateful, i'm happy i had the opportunity to sit next to him and hear his story, i know now after all i have been through not to take one day for granted, but he made it seem more real one such a different level.
plus over the past few weeks i have been dealing on more of an emotional level with my disease, finding coping mechanisms to deal with not only getting through this, but to learn how to move on once this is over. i was reading a fellow cancer survivor's blog and she said something very interesting, that really hit home. she is about 3 months out of treatment and she said how bizarre it is to now be able to plan her life in more than two week intervals. that's really what i'm doing right now and it's frustrating. it's annoying to have one good weekend and one bad weekend, it's annoying to have to schedule your life like that.
but then yesterday chris and i had the opportunity to sit next to a husband and wife that we ended up striking up a conversation with. he has been dealing with a brain tumor for more than two years, he has had surgeries and they have tried multiple types of chemotherapy and nothing has worked. he is 38 years old with three kids. talking to him really made me feel two things, one kind of bad that i was so happy to be there yesterday talking to the nurses and telling them that this was the end of cycle four and i will be done in october. this guy has no idea when he's going to be done, or if ever, i cant imagine that frustration. but it also made me feel grateful, i'm happy i had the opportunity to sit next to him and hear his story, i know now after all i have been through not to take one day for granted, but he made it seem more real one such a different level.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
cycle three...complete!
so thursday marked the end of cycle three and also the halfway point of my treatment! yaaaaay!
although it is frustrating to know i still have another three cycles, which means six more visits to dana farber i am trying to look at from a glass-half-full perspective. chris and i have created a countdown calendar (82 days), and we've decided to start planning for things past october.
this past thursday i met my new doctor on her fellowship, dr. sarah. (she prefers to be called that as most people just butcher her last name) when i met with her she asked me about myself, asked about chris, and our wedding plans as my previous fellow, dr bhatt had told her about us. i had a little bit of a breakdown telling her about chris, our wedding, and the frustration of not knowing what the future holds and being scared to plan anything. she sat back and said something that really meant alot 'at some point you're going to have to start planning' and she's right, if i dont start looking forward to things, and thinking about our wedding, this stage in my life will never end, i will always be waiting for that other shoe to drop, waiting for this to come back and throw a wrench in all my plans again. and i have to keep the mind set that this is not coming back, i'm going to finish treatment on october 7th, and bid adieu to cancer. and chris and i are going to get married, we will have a house, we will get a puppy, we will go on trips and someday have babies.
i have discovered it is way too easy to wallow in the misery of all of this, to let this thing beat you down, to let the boredom get to you. i have to make a conscious effort to stay positive and to keep moving forward and that's what i'm doing, i dont see another option. well i do, but depressed and sad isnt a good look on anyone, especially me.
although it is frustrating to know i still have another three cycles, which means six more visits to dana farber i am trying to look at from a glass-half-full perspective. chris and i have created a countdown calendar (82 days), and we've decided to start planning for things past october.
this past thursday i met my new doctor on her fellowship, dr. sarah. (she prefers to be called that as most people just butcher her last name) when i met with her she asked me about myself, asked about chris, and our wedding plans as my previous fellow, dr bhatt had told her about us. i had a little bit of a breakdown telling her about chris, our wedding, and the frustration of not knowing what the future holds and being scared to plan anything. she sat back and said something that really meant alot 'at some point you're going to have to start planning' and she's right, if i dont start looking forward to things, and thinking about our wedding, this stage in my life will never end, i will always be waiting for that other shoe to drop, waiting for this to come back and throw a wrench in all my plans again. and i have to keep the mind set that this is not coming back, i'm going to finish treatment on october 7th, and bid adieu to cancer. and chris and i are going to get married, we will have a house, we will get a puppy, we will go on trips and someday have babies.
i have discovered it is way too easy to wallow in the misery of all of this, to let this thing beat you down, to let the boredom get to you. i have to make a conscious effort to stay positive and to keep moving forward and that's what i'm doing, i dont see another option. well i do, but depressed and sad isnt a good look on anyone, especially me.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
there is an end in sight
so i know my loyal followers must be on pins and needles waiting for the results of my pet scan from thursday. well let me put all your fears to rest...the pet scan looked great. it showed improvement and shrinking of all the cancer that was there before. after reviewing the scan my oncologist informed me that she recomends going for the full six cycles of chemo and then do another pet scan a month after that is completed. so right now my last round of chemo will be october 7th.
now i am trying my best to be positive here and think, this is a good thing, the cancer is going away, blah blah blah. but it's just really frustrating to know i have to go back and do this 7 more times (each cycle is two visits so i will need a total of 12, and i have completed 5) and feel like this for another 3 months. it is good we have an end in sight, i think i gave myself a false sense of hope by thinking maybe i could do 4 cycles and radiation. although i know radiation can cause more complications later on, it's a quicker fix. but as everyone keeps telling me, it's better to be safe than sorry.
i'm just REALLY over this whole cancer thing.
now i am trying my best to be positive here and think, this is a good thing, the cancer is going away, blah blah blah. but it's just really frustrating to know i have to go back and do this 7 more times (each cycle is two visits so i will need a total of 12, and i have completed 5) and feel like this for another 3 months. it is good we have an end in sight, i think i gave myself a false sense of hope by thinking maybe i could do 4 cycles and radiation. although i know radiation can cause more complications later on, it's a quicker fix. but as everyone keeps telling me, it's better to be safe than sorry.
i'm just REALLY over this whole cancer thing.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
chemo round 2...complete!
so last week marked the end of round two!
this time around was better than last time, the doctor gave me a new anti nausea drug that actually i got through my IV before the treatment started, which meant i didnt have to track a bunch of pills all weekend. i think this actually worked great, i had a good weekend, i had more energy than usual, i still had low energy and slight nausea, but all in all it was a better weekend, so thats a good thing. i think i kind of paid for it though on monday, i felt really sick all day and had to revert back to taking some of the pills again. i think the new med just wore off and my body was like in shock about it.
so next week, july 1st marks the beginning of round 3, it's going to be a really long day but hopefully it will be worth it. i go for my PET scan in the morning (warning: i will be radioactive) but since i am having the test done right at dana farber, they will be able to read the results in real time, so i have an appointment with my oncologist, dr. lacassce at noon to review the results and discuss the next steps. hopefully i will have a more firm grasp on when this will all be over after next week. i asked dr. bhatt what they hope to see in the scan, and she said it will show one of three things, either the cancer has, improved, remained stable, or gotten worse. the chances that it has gotten worse are rare, and all signs point to it has gotten better. (i havent have anymore signs of lumps, etc) so once we know the results we will discuss the options. whether to continue with chemo, start radiation, a combination or what.
either way i am scheduled to complete round 3, and since i am taking everything one day at a time, that's all i know right now!
this time around was better than last time, the doctor gave me a new anti nausea drug that actually i got through my IV before the treatment started, which meant i didnt have to track a bunch of pills all weekend. i think this actually worked great, i had a good weekend, i had more energy than usual, i still had low energy and slight nausea, but all in all it was a better weekend, so thats a good thing. i think i kind of paid for it though on monday, i felt really sick all day and had to revert back to taking some of the pills again. i think the new med just wore off and my body was like in shock about it.
so next week, july 1st marks the beginning of round 3, it's going to be a really long day but hopefully it will be worth it. i go for my PET scan in the morning (warning: i will be radioactive) but since i am having the test done right at dana farber, they will be able to read the results in real time, so i have an appointment with my oncologist, dr. lacassce at noon to review the results and discuss the next steps. hopefully i will have a more firm grasp on when this will all be over after next week. i asked dr. bhatt what they hope to see in the scan, and she said it will show one of three things, either the cancer has, improved, remained stable, or gotten worse. the chances that it has gotten worse are rare, and all signs point to it has gotten better. (i havent have anymore signs of lumps, etc) so once we know the results we will discuss the options. whether to continue with chemo, start radiation, a combination or what.
either way i am scheduled to complete round 3, and since i am taking everything one day at a time, that's all i know right now!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
stupid side effects volume 1
so i have decided to start a new feature on the 'so this is what it's like' blog called "stupid side effects". this will be dedicated to all these ridiculous side effects as a result of chemotherapy that i keep experiencing and some of them are just too good not to share.
so what to begin with? i actually started writing these all down the other night and i already have like 12. but today i will start with one that is bothering me right at the moment.
a constant gross taste in my mouth.
really? the nausea isnt bad enough? i now have to deal with a gross stale taste in my mouth at all times? just lovely. so as if finding foods to eat and enjoy wasnt hard enough, i am now competing with this.
thankfully this is a temporary side effect and should go away in a few days, but while it's here, look out people.
so what to begin with? i actually started writing these all down the other night and i already have like 12. but today i will start with one that is bothering me right at the moment.
a constant gross taste in my mouth.
really? the nausea isnt bad enough? i now have to deal with a gross stale taste in my mouth at all times? just lovely. so as if finding foods to eat and enjoy wasnt hard enough, i am now competing with this.
thankfully this is a temporary side effect and should go away in a few days, but while it's here, look out people.
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