wait-what?

that was basically the reaction i had when the surgeon first said the words 'looks like hodgkin's lymphoma' he said it so casually, like 'ya i had a turkey sandwich for lunch' i remember sitting there and in my mind just saying 'wait-what...is he telling me i have cancer right now? am i sitting here on my lunch break hearing that i have cancer and the treatment is chemo and i have to lose my hair, and oh wait we are getting married in five months and have non refundable deposits and i have a job and student loans and wait-WHAT?!'

but i didn't have a big reaction on the outside. i've never really been big on emotions, some might see this as bitchy, snobby, maybe strong, i dont know. i've just never been one to like cry at commercials, not big into hugs, any invasion of personal space really, i always get uncomfortable when my fiance makes some big romantic gesture that i know most girls long for, hell, when he proposed my first reaction was "i think i'm going to throw up" that's just me.

maybe that's where i should start. me. most of you know me because i have either shared this link with you, or a friend of a friend sent this, but for those randoms out there in cyber space, let me catch you up.

my name is jenn, i am a perfectly healthy, (well, other than the cancer) 27 year old female. i grew up in stoughton, i am still friends with people i went to high school with and i like it, i think i'm pretty funny. i love my family. i have an older sister and brother, my mom is one of the strongest women i know, she's a little nutty but i like it, and my stepdad david should have his own reality show. oh and my mom has a pug baxter who is currently suffering from Lyme disease (it's been a rough month for my mom and her babies) i live with my amazing fiance chris in a lovely apartment in wrentham. we met in college and he is my best friend, we have been engaged since august 2009 and were planning an october 2010 wedding. i like to workout, shop, drink wine, try new restaurants, cook, clean, go on facebook, etc. pretty normal life.

in march 2010, i was doing my usual tuesday night routine, came home from work, got into my pajamas, washed my face, made dinner, cleaned up and sat down to watch the newest episode of american idol. there must have been a bruins game on or something because chris was in the bedroom. i was randomly rubbing my neck, and felt something weird, like a lump or something. usually i dont get too concerned with things like this, but something made me alarmed and i went in and had chris feel it. he said he didnt think it was anything, we all have weird things in our neck. i kind of forgot about it for a week or so and then one friday night i was out to dinner with my dear friends jenn and christy jenn happens to be a registered nurse and i asked her to feel the lump. she felt it, compared it to the other side of my neck and just said 'i would go to the doctor' ummm what? so of course for the next two days of the weekend i was imagining all the things it could be, a goiter, a tumor, a bug bite, who knows. all i knew was i was calling my doctor on monday and getting the first appointment available.

monday came, saw my lovely PCP, she said i think i will send you for a CT scan on wednesday. went for my scan, she called that day and said i want you to go in for a needle biopsy. thursday i met with the surgeon in his office, he did the needle biopsy and when i asked what he thought it might be he said 'ya, looks like hodgkins' i then did a more conclusive incision biopsy and the results confirmed it. nodular sclerosis hodgkin's lymphoma. i walked out of the hospital holding chris' hand and said "so this is what it's like to have cancer"

and here we are.

i have decided to write this blog not only to keep friends and loved ones updated on my treatment and experiences on this journey, but as a personal journal for myself. please feel free to leave comments, words of encouragement are always accepted, and if you just want to read that's fine too.