well, it happened

so i know i have disappointed my fans by not writing in a little while, and first, let me apologize. i guess the truth of the matter is this last round was not the best and i really didnt want to depress everyone with my feelings. but then my friend grete said 'give the people what they want, they dont need a postive attitude all the time' and she's right. i started writing this blog to inform family and friends what i was going through, and it might not always be sunshine and rainbows.

so this past round of chemo just started off bad, i started the day out with a fever, and just not feeling good. my fever ended up going down by the time the infusions started, but i just in general wasnt feeling 100% and i think that really effected this whole round. it was a long day, we got there at 10am and didnt leave until almost 4. a long day of sitting and feeling like crap and not being at your home base is enough to make anyone cranky. there was a positive outcome to this round though, my doctor informed me that they would be doing a pet scan before the next cycle, which will be july 1st. so that is one round earlier than initially thought. i doubt it has anything to do with how things are going, because the scan will be the only indicator of that, but having the scan done and the results earlier is great, so we have a better idea of how much longer i have to go through this for.

so the first cycle my schedule would go as follows: go in for treatment on thursday, feel crappy thursday night through monday, not feel super great on monday and tuesday, but at least wouldnt need anti-nausea meds, just felt sleepy and lacked energy. this round i felt like crap from the thursday i went in for treatment until the following saturday. this did not put me in a good place. i had moments of feeling okay, but i think alot of it was me forcing myself to try and feel better, to try and trick my head to say oh no, this is day i'm supposed to be feeling good, so i will feel good. the power of positive thinking, i was hoping, which worked for a few days.

i think emotionally i did not do well this round at all. i went to visit my work to see some friends and talk to them about the fact that i dont think i can return to work just yet because of the uncertainty of my treatment right now. this visit was good and bad. it was good because it was fun to see people, and everyone was so supportive and all that, but it also depressed me because it was like i was getting a glimpse of my 'normal life' where i worked all day, talked to lots of people, went from meeting to meeting, answered questions and felt like a contributing member of society. but the reality is right now, i sit at home, and for half the time really just feel like crap and sit and watch tv. i know for most this would be a dream come true to get a break like this, which it is nice, and it's a bigger bonus that it's summer and not winter, but for me it's hard. it's hard when chris comes home and where we used to sit and talk about our days over dinner, all i have to say is "i really hate when regis is on vacation and kelly has to fake it with a guest host"

it doesnt help that i have always been a person that can escape into tv land when i'm feeling down, it's always been a friend to me. but this round i kind got sick of it, i got sick of reading, i just got sick of it all. and then it happened. it all hit me. this whole situation hit me like a bus going 80. so many people have said to me, you're being so positive, that's great, keep that up, even my oncologist who deals with breaking the news of people having cancer everyday said 'you're being really calm right now, are you okay?" and just this weekend i allowed myself not to be ok. this situation sucks. this isnt some glorified summer vacation. i have cancer and i am going through chemotherapy. i feel sick alot of the time. i cant even walk down the street without getting winded some days. i was supposed to be getting married in a few months, i should be shopping for bridal shower dresses and outfits for my honeymoon. we dont even know when we are going to be able to get married and it sucks, everything was going so perfectly in our lives and this had to happen and i just dont get it, it's not fair.

but thats what i have to allow myself, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, i have to allow myself these moments of 'this sucks' because otherwise i cant balance it with the positivity of taking this all one day at a time, and knowing that i will someday look back on this and it will seem like a small blip on the radar. i was having a hard time accepting that i would one day be a cancer survivor because that means at one point i had to be a victim. i dont in general like to 'play the victim' but i think part of this illness is accepting what is going on, not just try and ignore it and hope it goes away. i think it's part of surviving it.