dum dum da dum

so it's what every girl dreams about. having the love of your life get down on one knee and ask you to spend the rest of your life with him. you are basically floating on air for the next six months, as you plan the big day. it was all going so smoothly. the cape is very important to the both of us, it's where we got engaged, it's where the both of us spent our summers throughout our childhood, it's where we go for a nice day trip when we just want to get away. so it only made sense to do the whole cape wedding thing.

we spent the first two weeks of our engagement searching for the perfect spot. we went from country club to yacht clubs to mansions to seaside locales. we fell in love with a beautiful room at willow bend country club in mashpee, floor to ceiling windows, an outdoor space to have a lounge area, on site villas that the wedding party could stay at, the whole 9 yards. once we had the place we were off, finding a photographer, dj, florists, cake bakers, invitation lady, we had it all. and thanks to not only my own, but also my fiance's OCD tendencies, we had it organized. a big wedding for 200 guests is what we were going to do, and with the help of our families and our own savings, we would be able to afford it and not owe anyone anything. and then of course, i was diagnosed with cancer.

now i dont want this blog to turn into a 'then i got cancer and my life ended' sort of thing, because that's not what this is about and that is not how i feel AT ALL. but my diagnosis has alot to do with the decisions we have made. and when i say we i mean myself and chris. my fiance is my best friend, he is one of the kindest, most generous, greatest people you will ever meet. it also doesnt hurt that he is adorable. we are a real team, and although i always thought we were as close as we could be, this whole process has brought us together on a completely different level. we are handling this together, we will get through this together. he has been there at every appointment, every weird test, i love him more than words can say and i dont know if i could be as calm as i am right now without him.

after meeting with the first oncologist, she told me that i would probably lose my hair, maybe lose some weight, and just in general feel sick and tired as a result of the chemotherapy. she also initially thinks i might need radiation at the end of my chemo. one of my first questions was "well, we are getting married in october, is this possible?" she took a moment, thought about it and informed me that she thought it was 'doable' my eyes started to fill up with tears and she tilted her head and said 'i know, i just got married 3 years ago, dealing with vendors and stuff is hard, but if you feel comfortable wearing a wig on your wedding day, i think you can do it, and we can push off the radiation a month and do it in november' no decisions were made at this point.

but when chris came home from work we talked about it. how important is this wedding to us? i mean, our marriage is important to us, but how important is the wedding? is it important enough to us that we forge ahead even when i am going through chemotherapy?!!? am i willing to risk my health for a party?

but what would we tell people? the save the dates went out, the deposits, the dresses, the honeymoon is booked. over the next few days we both thought about it and would talk about it for like five minutes here and there, what if we wait a year, what if i have no side effects to the treatment, what if i need more treatment than they think? and in the back of my mind i kept thinking, i dont want this anymore. it had only been two weeks and my life was put into a completely different perspective. it was like i didnt know the girl that was planning this big wedding. do i want to spend my wedding reception going around and talking to 200 guests?

so on the way to breakfast one sunday i just said "chris i think i want to do a destination wedding" and he said "i know babe" so we talked about it, figured we could slash our guest list by more than half, just invite immediate family and our closest friends, and then have a BBQ or something next summer.

i have to say i was nervous to tell people, just because i was kind of embarrassed that we had sent the save the dates out just a month before and now we are asking some of our family to make this even larger commitment to join us. but i have to say, 1. everyone has been very supportive and understanding of our decision. 2. people seem excited!

so that's that.