oops!

so it's been quite a while since i last posted, and for that, i am sorry. i guess after i last posted was when i really started to lose it with being home all the time. i was going really stir crazy and made a decision that i am now very happy with. i returned to work!

it was all just becoming too much for me to be home everyday. especially on the days when i felt great, which other than the immediate days surrounding treatments, was more often than not. i think it was important for me to take the time off at the beginning of treatment, and even for a month or two after, just to deal with this all, to take it all in and figure out how my life was going to adjust to this unexpected turn. and once i did that, and got used to the routine of every other week feeling crappy for a few days, i needed out!!

i noticed myself getting a little more testier (than usual) with people, and just getting annoyed. and also i felt myself getting dumb. this could be due to the 18 hours of tv a day i was watching. i lost my attention span, i couldnt concentrate on a book for more than a chapter or two, and even magazines were becoming a chore to go through. so after talking with my doctors, and thinking about it alot, i decided it was time to get back to reality.

i started out slow, only coming in for a few hours every few days, just getting caught up on stuff like emails and whats been going on in the four months (!!!!) that i had been gone. this also allowed people to get used to seeing me again. i think when you dont see someone for a while and you hear they are going through something like this you can only assume when you see them again they will be sickly, pale, and skinny. well, for me only one of those attributes is true, and that's the pale part, oh and i guess the sickly part. people are always shocked when they see me "you look great!" well, i feel great! if you are seeing me, that means i feel great, if i dont feel great, i'm on the couch with real housewives on the tv. and as for the skinniness, i must say i am a medical marvel and have managed to GAIN weight during treatment. not alot, but enough that i think it will be a shock to my system when i dont allow myself to 'eat whatever i want, whenever i want' as my doctor instructed.

i knew it would take a few weeks of catching up with people, letting them know i was easing myself back in, that i am still doing ok even during treatment, i was ready for that adjustment. so then after the completion of cycle 5a i was back at it at cramer. working full days, other than my treatment days (every other thursday) and the friday and monday following. and i'm loving it. you dont realize how much you need the social aspect of work in your life. you need to be around people, you need to hear what is going on in other people's lives, projects at work, to know there is a life outside of your own. i was allowing myself to get too involved with my illness, and that wasnt good for anyone. including my darling fiance chris who had to put up with me being my not so pleasant self (love you chris!)

so again i am grateful to not only work for a company that kind of just let me decide when i was ready to come back, but to work with the people that have made it so easy to come back!